Why Your Goals Keep Failing (And How to Actually Change)

You set the goal. Made the plan. Felt motivated.

Week 1: Crushed it.
Week 2: Still going strong.
Week 3: Missed one day. No big deal.
Week 4: Where did the plan go?

By February, it’s like January never happened.

Here’s why: You’re trying to change behavior without changing identity.

The Identity Problem

Why Behavior Change Fails

Most goal-setting advice: “Set SMART goals. Make a plan. Track progress. Stay motivated.”

The problem: This focuses on WHAT you do, not WHO you are.

Examples:

Behavior-based goal: “I want to run 3 times per week”
Identity-based goal: “I want to become a runner”

Behavior-based goal: “I want to write a book”
Identity-based goal: “I want to become a writer”

Behavior-based goal: “I want to eat healthy”
Identity-based goal: “I want to become a healthy person”

Spot the difference?

One is about actions. The other is about transformation.

The Identity Gap

Your current identity: Who you are today
Your desired identity: Who you want to become
The gap: Where change happens (or doesn’t)

Example:

Current identity: “I’m not a morning person”
Desired behavior: Wake up at 6am
Result: Internal conflict. Your identity fights the behavior.

Your brain: “This isn’t who I am. This feels wrong.”

You revert to old patterns because identity always wins.

Why Identity Beats Willpower

Willpower is finite. Identity is automatic.

When you rely on behavior goals:

• Requires daily motivation
• Feels like effort
• Easy to quit when hard
• “I should do this”

When you shift identity:

• Automatic behavior
• Feels natural
• Hard to stop
• “This is who I am”

Example:

Behavior approach:
“I should go to the gym” → Feels like chore → Skip when tired

Identity approach:
“I’m someone who trains” → Automatic → Go even when tired

The difference: Internal alignment vs. constant battle.

The 3 Levels of Change

Level 1: Outcome Change

What you want to achieve.

Examples:

• Lose 20 pounds
• Make $100k
• Run a marathon
• Write a book

Why people start here: Clear. Measurable. Exciting.

The problem: No guidance on HOW to get there.

Result: Set outcome goal. Get motivated. Do nothing. Fail.

Level 2: Process Change

What you do.

Examples:

• Workout 4x per week
• Save $500 monthly
• Run 3 miles every other day
• Write 500 words daily

Why this is better: Actionable steps toward outcome.

The problem: Still requires willpower. No internal shift.

Result: Follow process while motivated. Stop when life gets hard.

Level 3: Identity Change

Who you are.

Examples:

• “I am an athlete”
• “I am financially disciplined”
• “I am a runner”
• “I am a writer”

Why this works: Behavior flows from identity.

The shift: Instead of “I should write,” it becomes “Writers write. I’m a writer. Therefore I write.”

No willpower needed. Just being yourself.

The Identity-First Framework

Step 1: Define Your Target Identity

Not: What you want to do
Instead: Who you want to become

The question:

What type of person gets the outcome I want?

Examples:

Want to lose weight?
→ “What type of person is naturally fit?”
→ “Someone who prioritizes health”
→ Target identity: “I am a healthy person”

Want to build a business?
→ “What type of person builds successful businesses?”
→ “Someone who takes action despite fear”
→ Target identity: “I am an entrepreneur”

Want to learn programming?
→ “What type of person becomes a skilled developer?”
→ “Someone who codes every day”
→ Target identity: “I am a developer”

Write it down:

I am [target identity].

Step 2: Identify Identity-Aligned Behaviors

Ask:

What does someone with this identity do?

Examples:

Identity: “I am a healthy person”

What does a healthy person do?

• Chooses stairs over elevator
• Drinks water, not soda
• Meal preps on Sundays
• Goes to bed early
• Exercises even when tired
• Reads nutrition labels

Identity: “I am a writer”

What does a writer do?

• Writes daily (even 100 words)
• Carries notebook everywhere
• Observes people and stories
• Reads widely
• Finishes drafts (not just starts)
• Shares work publicly

Identity: “I am a disciplined person”

What does a disciplined person do?

• Makes bed every morning
• Completes daily tasks before leisure
• Says no to distractions
• Keeps commitments to self
• Plans day the night before
• Follows through on hard things

List 5-10 behaviors for your target identity.

Step 3: Stack Small Wins

You can’t identity-shift overnight.

You prove new identity through small, repeated actions.

The formula:

Each small action = One vote for new identity

Examples:

Action: Go to gym today
Vote: +1 for “I am an athlete”

Action: Write 200 words today
Vote: +1 for “I am a writer”

Action: Choose salad over burger
Vote: +1 for “I am a healthy person”

After 10 votes: Starting to believe it
After 50 votes: Identity shifts
After 100 votes: It’s who you are

Start with ONE small behavior. Do it daily. Stack votes.

Step 4: Talk Like Your Identity

How you speak shapes how you think.

Change your self-talk:

Old: “I’m trying to be healthier”
New: “I’m a healthy person”

Old: “I should go running”
New: “I’m a runner. Runners run.”

Old: “I want to read more”
New: “I’m a reader. This is what I do.”

Old: “I’m going to try to wake up early”
New: “I’m a morning person”

Notice the shift:

• “Trying” → Just being
• “Should” → Natural state
• “Going to” → Already are

When you talk like your identity, you become it.

Step 5: Surround With Identity Reminders

Your environment reinforces or undermines identity.

Add visible reminders:

Visual cues:

• “I am a writer” sticky note on laptop
• Running shoes by bed (I’m a runner)
• Water bottle on desk (I’m healthy)
• Books on table (I’m a learner)

Environmental design:

Want to be a reader?

• Books visible, not stored away
• Kindle on nightstand
• Reading chair set up
• Phone away from bed

Want to be an athlete?

• Gym bag packed by door
• Workout clothes laid out
• Fitness tracker visible
• Protein shaker on counter

Want to be organized?

• Clear desk policy
• Everything has a home
• Morning routine checklist visible
• Weekly planner open on desk

Your space should scream your identity.

Step 6: Join Identity Tribes

You become like the people around you.

Find your people:

Runners:

• Join running club
• Follow runners on social
• Race registration
• Running podcast

Writers:

• Writing group (online or local)
• Twitter writer community
• Share drafts with other writers
• Writing workshop

Entrepreneurs:

• Coworking space
• Founder meetups
• Startup Slack communities
• Accountability group

When surrounded by people who ARE what you want to become, it’s easier to believe you belong.

Real Transformation Stories

Story 1: From “Not a Runner” to Ultra-Marathoner

Jake, 34, Software Engineer

Starting point:

• “I’m not a runner”
• 50 pounds overweight
• Couldn’t jog 5 minutes
• Hated cardio

The shift:

Behavior approach (tried first, failed):

• Set goal: “Run 3x per week”
• Made schedule
• Lasted 2 weeks
• Quit

Identity approach (what actually worked):

Week 1: “I’m becoming a runner”

• Bought running shoes
• Wore running gear to coffee shop (even though didn’t run)
• Told 3 friends “I’m a runner now”
• Ran 5 minutes. Walked 20. Still counted it.
• +1 vote for runner identity

Week 2-4: Stacking votes

• Ran every other day (even 10 minutes counted)
• Joined running subreddit
• Posted run stats publicly
• Responded to work question with “Can’t, I have a run scheduled”

Month 2-3: Identity solidified

• “I’m a runner” felt natural
• Didn’t debate whether to run (runners run)
• Joined local running group
• Signed up for 5K race

6 months later:

• Lost 45 pounds (side effect, not goal)
• Running 4-5x per week automatically
• Completed first half-marathon
• Training for full marathon

1 year later:

• Ran ultra-marathon (50 miles)
• Running is part of identity, not chore
• Can’t imagine NOT running

Key insight: “I stopped trying to motivate myself to run. I just became someone who runs.”

Story 2: From Broke to Financially Free

Maria, 28, Teacher

Starting point:

• $25k credit card debt
• Living paycheck to paycheck
• “I’m bad with money” (identity)
• No savings

The shift:

Behavior approach (tried first, failed):

• Set budget
• “I should save more”
• Lasted one month
• Back to overspending

Identity approach (what actually worked):

Week 1: “I’m becoming financially disciplined”

• Declared: “I am someone who builds wealth”
• Read r/personalfinance daily
• Followed financial independence accounts
• Made one small financial decision aligned with new identity (packed lunch instead of buying)

Week 2-4: Small votes

• Automatic transfer: $50 to savings (even though small)
• Tracked every expense (wealthy people know their numbers)
• Said no to dinner out once (disciplined people protect their goals)
• Calculated net worth monthly (even though negative)

Month 2-3: Identity shift

• “I’m financially responsible” started to feel true
• Decisions got easier (this isn’t who I am anymore)
• Stopped justifying purchases
• Started asking: “Would a financially free person buy this?”

6 months later:

• Debt down to $18k
• $2k emergency fund
• Automatic savings: $300/month
• Lifestyle changes felt natural

1 year later:

• Debt paid off
• 6-month emergency fund
• Contributing to investments
• Teaching others about money

Key insight: “I used to say ‘I can’t afford that.’ Now I say ‘I don’t spend money on that.’ Same outcome, totally different identity.”

Story 3: From Procrastinator to Productive Creator

David, 41, Aspiring Author

Starting point:

• “I want to write a book” (10 years saying this)
• Never finished anything
• “I’m a procrastinator” (identity)
• 30+ abandoned projects

The shift:

Behavior approach (tried many times, failed):

• “I’ll write 1000 words daily”
• Lasted 5 days max
• Self-hatred cycle
• Proved “I can’t finish anything”

Identity approach (what actually worked):

Day 1: Identity declaration

• Changed Twitter bio to “Writer”
• Told wife: “I’m a writer now”
• Bought nice notebook (writers have tools)
• Wrote 100 words (writers write, even badly)

Week 1-4: Daily votes

• Wrote every day (even 50 words counted)
• Published first blog post (writers share work)
• Commented on other writers’ work
• Responded to “What do you do?” with “I’m a writer”

Month 2-3: Belief solidified

• Writing felt natural
• Didn’t debate whether to write (writers write)
• Joined writing accountability group
• Submitted piece to online publication (rejected, but writers get rejected)

6 months later:

• First article published
• 30,000 words of book draft
• Writing 5x per week without willpower
• Identity: “I’m a writer” unshakeable

1 year later:

• Book manuscript complete
• Agent representation
• Freelance writing income
• Writing is identity, not hobby

Key insight: “I spent 10 years ‘trying to write.’ I spent 1 year ‘being a writer.’ The second one worked.”

Common Identity Traps

Trap #1: Fake It Until You Make It (Wrong Version)

The trap: Pretend you’re something you’re not. Feel like imposter. Quit.

Why it fails: No evidence. Just performance.

The fix: “Earn it until you are it”

Stack small votes. Build real evidence. Become it through action.

Example:

❌ “I’m a world-class entrepreneur” (said while doing nothing)
✅ “I’m someone who builds businesses” (said after launching MVP)

Trap #2: Identity Based on Results

The trap: “I’ll be a runner when I run a marathon”

Why it fails: Identity comes AFTER achievement. Too late.

The fix: Identity comes BEFORE achievement.

Become it first. Achievement follows.

Example:

❌ “I’m a writer” (only after book published)
✅ “I’m a writer” (because I write every day)

Trap #3: Borrowed Identity

The trap: Copy someone else’s identity without personalizing.

Why it fails: Doesn’t fit. Feels forced.

The fix: What type of [identity] am I specifically?

Example:

❌ “I’m an entrepreneur” (vague, generic)
✅ “I’m an entrepreneur who builds tools for creators” (specific, personal)

❌ “I’m a healthy person” (abstract)
✅ “I’m someone who prioritizes strength and energy” (concrete)

Trap #4: Too Many Identities at Once

The trap: “I’m a runner, writer, entrepreneur, investor, artist, and—”

Why it fails: Identity diffusion. You’re nothing.

The fix: 1-2 core identities maximum.

Stack depth, not breadth.

Example:

❌ 10 different identities (none stick)
✅ 2 core identities (deeply rooted)

Trap #5: Identity Without Action

The trap: “I am a writer” (but never write)

Why it fails: Words without evidence. Self-deception.

The fix: Identity + Action = Transformation

Declare identity. Then vote for it daily.

The Identity Audit

Take 10 minutes. Answer honestly.

Current Identity Assessment

Complete these sentences:

“I am someone who…"
"I am the type of person who…"
"I’m not really a ___ person”

What do your answers reveal?

Examples of limiting identities:

• “I’m not a morning person”
• “I’m bad with money”
• “I’m not creative”
• “I’m lazy”
• “I’m an introvert” (used as excuse)
• “I’m just not disciplined”

These are beliefs, not facts. But they shape behavior.

Desired Identity Clarity

Who do you want to become?

Complete:

“I want to become someone who…"
"My ideal self is…"
"If I could change one thing about my identity, it would be…”

Be specific.

Identity-Behavior Gap

For each desired identity:

What would someone with this identity do daily?
What am I currently doing instead?
What’s ONE small behavior I could start today?

Example:

Desired: “I am a disciplined person”

They do: Make bed, complete hard tasks first, keep commitments
I do: Snooze alarm, procrastinate, break promises to self
Start today: Make bed immediately after waking

The Bottom Line

You don’t have a goal problem.

You have an identity problem.

Your outcomes are lagging indicators of your identity.

Want different outcomes? Become a different person.

The process:

1. Define target identity (who do I want to become?)
2. Identify behaviors (what does this person do?)
3. Stack small votes (take action daily)
4. Talk like your identity (language shapes belief)
5. Design environment (make it obvious)
6. Join the tribe (surround yourself)

Every action is a vote for the type of person you want to become.

Start today:

• Choose ONE identity shift
• Take ONE small action aligned with it
• Do it again tomorrow
• And the next day
• And the next

One year from now, you’ll either:

• Still be “trying” to change
• Actually be a different person

Your identity. Your choice.

Next Steps:

• Create your mission statement
• Build your vision board
• Track identity-aligned actions